When a relationship ends with someone you love, it’s normal to grieve.  It’s a huge loss.  You have spent time with this person and invested a part of your life.  You may be tearful and sad.  Usually intense grief occurs for approximately 3 months.  Yes, this person will be in your memories and heart for most of your life.  But, what happens when you just can’t shake this person and he consumes your thoughts?  You believe he’s made an awful mistake.  You might be heading down the wrong path.

You can become obsessed with someone quite easily.  You remember all the good times and you never thought it would end.  No matter what the reasons are there comes a time to let go.  He’s gone and you have to begin living again.  Easier said then done.

How do you decipher between normal feelings of grief and obsession?  It can be challenging to determine yourself.  Sometimes it’s helpful to ask those closest to you.  There are some signs of obsession.  Take the quiz and find out if it’s obsession.

1.  Are your thoughts consumed about your ex to the point where it’s difficult to focus at work or in situations which demand your attention?

2.  Do you think he’s made a terrible mistake and he’ll eventually change his mind and come to his senses?

3.  Do you have thoughts of suicide or not living without him?

4.  Do you check his Facebook, My Space, or Twitter page to find out what he’s up to or who he’s dating?

5.  Do you stay in contact with his friends and inquire about him?

6.  Have you stopped taking care of yourself or your environment (cleaning, cooking, or exercising)?

7.  Do you listen to old songs or look at old pictures repetitively?

8.  Are you broken up but continue to stay in a sexual relationship to be in his life?

If you answered ‘Yes’ to a total of 4 questions, there is a strong possibility you may be obsessed with your ex.  It’s time to let go and regain your life again.  Obsession is driven by a lack of self-worth.  You feel you are not enough when someone leaves.  You may feel abandoned and unlovable. This is not reality.  You have no idea why he left, but whatever reason it’s not about you.

Obsession serves a purpose for you.  I know that sounds weird.  You can use obsession to escape or avoid issues in your life.  You may be avoiding your finances, career, or life goals.  This is an opportunity for you to evaluate your life.  What’s working?  What’s not?  What areas have you neglected since you’ve been in this relationship?

This is a time to get back to you.  You are the most important person in your life.  It’s time to trust the universe.  If it’s meant to be it will happen without you working to make it happen.  Let him go, get back to living life fully and stay open to amazing people and things that are about to happen.

I have chosen not to make any resolutions this year. Making a resolution implies that one has resolved something in his/her life. I see resolutions as seeing the world from a linear point-of-view. As if we start and stop. I see our changes as circular or in cycles. So I chose the word revealing. What do I wish to reveal this year? How do I want to reveal my true self?

I would love to hear from you, feel free to post your answers to the following questions on my blog: www.recoveryhelpnow.com.

• What qualities or accomplishments (big or small) did you reveal in 2008?

• What qualities or goals do you wish to reveal this year?

Remember, putting thoughts into written word brings you closer to manifesting your goals. Sharing your goals with others helps you stay accountable.

Announcements

International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals, 4th Annual Symposium
February 16 – 21, 2009
Phoenix, Arizona
(I will be speaking on a Panel discussing the treatment of women and addiction)

Los Angeles Group Psychotherapy Society
2009 Annual Conference
Topic: Connection & Intimacy in Group
Featured Presenter: J. Scott Rutan, PhD, CGP
April 3rd & 4th, 2009
Download PDF

Groups & Other Services

Women’s Process Group
Monday at 7:30pm – 9pm, Beverly Hills, CA
Gain insight, develop effective communication skills and increase confidence with others. If interested in joining this group, please contact Elana for an entrance interview. 2 spaces available!

Women’s Recovery Group
Tuesdays at 12pm – 1:30pm, Beverly Hills, CA
Join a group of supportive women who are recovering from various addictive behaviors (drugs, alcohol, sex/love, debt, shopping and codependency). Develop effective boundaries, increase independence skills, and develop skills to stay sober. Starts February 2009!

I want to thank all my readers, clients and colleagues for an amazing year of growth, support, and love. I have learned so much from all of you and have felt so honored to be a part of all of your lives. I look forward to 2009 and our continued growth.

Thank you and see you in the New Year!!

Holidays & Recovery

For some the holidays can be a triggering time when recovering from an addiction. You find yourself running into people that you may have acted out with or those who may trigger intense emotions in you. That’s why it’s very important to develop distress tolerance skills and use program to help you through this time period.

I have listed various strategies to support you through this holiday:

• Keep visits short and sweet

• Visit in a public place rather than going to someone’s home

• Keep phone numbers handy and inform your support network in advance that you may call on them for additional support

• Use breathing skills and meditation daily, and in crisis situations

• Write affirmations and read inspirational books

• Go to regular meetings or schedule additional sessions with your therapist

• Journal daily

• Bookend your visits (meaning make a call to someone in program before and after entering an emotional triggering situation)

• Always take breaks from family members when needed

• Stay with non-triggering friends instead of a family member.

Your ideas and suggestions are important to my readers and me. If you have any additional ideas, please feel free to post them on my blog at: http://blog.wholenessandhealth.com/?p=16

Evaluation Time

I am getting ready to send out evaluation surveys to all clients I saw during 2008. You should be receiving your survey between January and February 2009. I appreciate if you can take the time to fill it out and send it back to me. The surveys are developed to give you an opportunity to inform me of areas that I can improve. I look forward to your feedback

Workshop Announcement

How to Communicate with Difficult People
Saturday, February 7, 2009 at 10:00 a.m. – 11:30 a.m.
Beverly Hills, CA

Come to a free seminar and learn skills on how to communicate with difficult people who you come in contact with on a regular basis (at home, work or in the world). Please call Elana at 310-403-9147 to reserve your space. Limited space available!

Save the Date

I will be speaking at the 4th Annual Symposium, International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP), Phoenix, Arizona, February16 – 21, 2009. I will speaking on a panel with other other health professionals who specialize working with women and recovery. If interested in learning more, please visit: www.iitap.com.

Groups & Other Services

Women’s Process Group
Monday at 7:30 p.m. – 9 p.m., Beverly Hills, CA
Gain insight, develop effective communication skills and increase confidence with others. If interested in joining this group, please contact Elana for an entrance interview. 2 spaces available!

Women’s Recovery Group
Tuesdays noon-1:30 p.m., Beverly Hills, CA
Join a group of supportive women who are recovering from various addictive behaviors (drugs, alcohol, sex/love, debt, shopping and codependency). Develop effective boundaries, increase independence skills, and develop skills to stay sober. Starts February 2009!

Foundations of Recovery
(Individual Recovery Packages)
Elana offers Foundations of Recovery a package which includes 2-3 individual sessions weekly for an affordable monthly cost for individuals who are in their early stages of recovery from drugs, alcohol and sex/love addiction. Contact Elana to learn more about this special offer.

Earlier this month (October 18, 2008), I spoke on a panel at the Summit Conference located at Loyola Marymount University. The subject was focused on Women & Recovery. I was asked to speak about my experience working with women who struggle with drugs, alcohol, and sex/love addiction. A question was raised, what is different about treating women versus treating men?

There was a rich discussion that came from this question. Though there are many similarities between both women and men, there are some key differences that must be treated differently.
Some of the issues we discussed focused on the differences of:

• Culture
• Level of stigma and shame
• Role expectations at home/work
• Competition with other women
• Subtle sexual gestures w/face & body
• Power of Sexuality
• Economic/Financial issues
• Relationship with child(ren)
• Distrust/Mistrust
• Different methods of communication
• Sexual abuse
• Domestic violence
• Sexual orientation

These were just some of the differences we discussed. But what stuck out the most regarding treatment was the need for collaboration between the recovering woman and her treatment team. Making sure that the recovering woman feels heard and respected.

I spent some time talking about the richness of joining a group or community of other women in recovery. Joining a community with other women can help challenge old beliefs, transform past abuse, reduce stigma or fear and ultimately develop a bond of strength and hope.

What Do You Think?

I would like to know what you think. Please respond to this Newsletter and share your thoughts and feelings about Women and Recovery. Post your comments on my blog at: http://blog.wholenessandhealth.com/?p=15

Here are some questions to get you started:

• Why do many women say, “I only get along with men,” or “I don’t have any female friends”?
• What do you think are some differences between the sexes regarding chemical dependency and sex/love addiction? And why?
• Do you think joining a women’s group or meeting can be helpful? Why?

Introducing…

William Squier, M.A., iMFT
Beverly Hills, CA
310-623-7923

I am supervising William in my private practice. I find him to be a knowledgeable and compassionate therapist. He recently worked at the Gay & Lesbian Center in Los Angeles, CA. He has experience working with individuals, couples and groups. His specialties are:

• Sex/Love Addiction
• Chemical Dependency
• Gay/Lesbian/Bi/Transgender Issues
• Grief & Loss

Sliding scale offered.

Groups & Other Services

Women’s Process Group
Monday at 7:30 p.m. – 9 p.m., Beverly Hills, CA
Gain insight, develop effective communication skills and increase confidence with others. If interested in joining this group, please contact Elana for an entrance interview. 2 spaces available!

Women’s Recovery Group
Tuesdays at 7 p.m. – 8:30 p.m., Beverly Hills, CA
Join a group of supportive women who are recovering from various addictive behaviors (drugs, alcohol, sex/love, debt, shopping and codependency). Develop effective boundaries, increase independence skills, and develop skills to stay sober. Starts November 2008!

Foundations of Recovery
(Individual Recovery Packages)
Elana offers Foundations of Recovery a package which includes 2-3 individual sessions weekly for an affordable monthly cost for individuals who are in their early stages of recovery from drugs, alcohol and sex/love addiction. Contact Elana to learn more about this special offer.

Have you ever had a nagging thought that just didn’t seem to go away? The kind of thought that comes after you have done something that you feel really awful about. Let’s say you said something you didn’t mean, to a friend or colleague. Then you have an after thought and it only gets bigger and bigger and won’t seem to stop. I’ve totally been there!

I have learned over time how to get unstuck from these never ending thinking tunnels, when it seems you can’t stop thinking what a “stupid” thing you did or said. I believe there is a way that will lead you to peace.

I have learned to just notice and observe that this topic is taking up a lot of thinking space. I also take notice that the other person probably isn’t spending as much time as I am on this subject. This preoccupation will only send me into sadness, anger or the d-word (depression). I’ve been there done that and don’t want to repeat this pattern.

I then begin to make affirmative statements that focus on gratitude. I start listing everything that I’m grateful for until my emotion begins to shift. I may even conduct a breathing exercise. I then reach out and call someone who’s neutral and who will listen and validate me. If you’re a part of the 12-step community, the phone list is amazing.

The next step, after I have reduced my emotions, I think about how to problem-solve the matter. I brainstorm ideas, I look at the ones I think would be the most helpful and make a plan to go forward or decide that no action is the best step. And most importantly, I let go of the outcome. Let it go!

Every time the thought wishes to surface again, I follow the steps above. I tell myself that I will not let my mind take control of this matter. I see my thoughts come in and out like a wave or see them slip away into the nothingness which they came.

Quote of the Month

The greatest gift that you could ever give to another is your own happiness, for when you are in a state of joy, happiness, or appreciation, you are fully connected to the Stream of pure, positive Source Energy that is truly who you are. And when you are in that state of connection, anything or anyone that you are holding as your object of attention benefits from your attention.

Esther & Jerry Hicks

Upcoming Events

Learn how to communicate honestly with others, gain insight and manage emotions effectively. Please contact me for an interview session if interested in joining this group.

Women’s Psychotherapy Group
Monday at 7:30 p.m. – 9 p.m. in Beverly Hills, CA
2 Spaces Available!

You may have a goal that you wish to accomplish. For example, losing weight, starting a business, writing a book and etc. Developing and executing a plan is very important. However, we don’t hear to much about how gaining support from others can help us stay disciplined and accomplish our goals.

Is it because we live in an individualistic society, that asking for help is looked upon as “weak”? Actually, I have found that I was not able to accomplish dreams without gaining the support and encouragement of my friends and support network.

For example, I have always wanted to be an accomplished writer. I began to understand, just like anything else that I have accomplished in my life, I had to make writing a discipline, a way of life. And, I had to reach out to others to help me stay accountable to complete my goals and deadlines. Today, I am writing. And, with the help of my support network, I am staying on task with my goals.

Natalie Goldberg (Wild Mind, 1990) writes, “People come and go with writing. I understand. Writing is hard but eventually if you are serious, you have to settle and be steady, even though your individual emotions change from day to day about it.” She further writes, “…you need to come to a writing group, meet some writers and write with them. You know, like running, we have a club and I meet Sonja, Mary, and Alice to run on weekday mornings. It helps to be with other people for support.”

When two or more come together, amazing things can take place. Start today, identify your goal, make a plan and meet with someone, who is dedicated to helping you stay accountable. If you have difficulty finding someone then think outside the box. There are web groups and clubs that are already in existence that could use an extra member, like YOU!

Check out: www.meetup.com for a group near you.

Joining a Group: How Group Therapy Can Help

If you are looking to gain insight, change behavior and increase honest communication, join a psychotherapy group. Attending group therapy can allow you to become unstuck in patterns that seem to continue to surface at home and work. Develop methods to manage anger appropriately with others and have a place where you can reality check your thoughts. See below for details.

Upcoming Events

Learn how to communicate honestly with others, gain insight and manage emotions effectively. Please contact me for an interview session if interested in joining a group.
Women’s Psychotherapy Group
Monday at 7:30 p.m. – 9 p.m. in Beverly Hills, CA
2 Spaces Available!

Mixed (Men & Women) Psychotherapy Group
Tuesdays at 3 p.m. – 4:30 p.m. in Beverly Hills, CA
Starts August 2008–Call to Reserve Space!

What is My Purpose?

A common question I’m asked and that I have also asked myself is, “What is my purpose?” I think this question is a deep existential question that some ask often throughout a lifetime. Events or situations can occur that can spark this deeper question. However this question enters our lives, it can be the most meaningful journey that we take.

I have found that breaking this question of purpose in two parts is very helpful. First step, take a look at your inner purpose. What does your Soul want? Are you looking to be of service in your life? Do you wish to have inner peace? What are you looking for within yourself? Keep in mind, an inner desire is not a material possession.

The second step, after determining your inner desire, make choices in the outside world that match the inner desire. This will cause you to stretch yourself. Because, you may make choices that don’t match the life that you’re currently living. For example, instead of turning on the television every night, you may decide to set a daily time to write. Following your Soul’s desire can lead you to places and situations you never thought were possible.

Quote of the Month

When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life. It means fear is no longer a dominant factor in what you do and no longer prevents you from taking action to initiate change.

By Eckhart Tolle

Upcoming Events

Groups:
Women’s Therapy Group
Mondays, 7:30 – 9:00 p.m.
Two Spaces Available

Women & Men’s Mixed Therapy Group
Tuesdays 3:00 – 4:30 p.m.
Starting August 2008

Learn to build honest relationships. Access a full range of emotions and express them with others effectively. And, learn why you react the way you do.

]]> http://blog.wholenessandhealth.com/?feed=rss2&p=12 0 http://blog.wholenessandhealth.com/?p=11 http://blog.wholenessandhealth.com/?p=11#comments Mon, 11 Feb 2008 06:36:17 +0000 Elana http://blog.wholenessandhealth.com/?p=11 Take the Challenge… Fast from Complaining for 7 Days

Have you noticed that complaining can fill our minds so easily? You might complain about the traffic or the way someone prepared your food. What would it be like to stop complaining for 7 days?

For most of us, complaints happen automatically and unconsciously. We place labels on our experiences or on others, either in our minds or out loud. This is a habit that comes from the core belief, “not enough.” You may perceive yourself or others as not enough, causing you or others to come up short to your expectations.

I am asking you to take a challenge with me. Let’s commit to not complain for 7 days. If you complain during this challenge, just recommit and get back on the horse. Let’s try it!

I think that this exercise will bring to your attention how much we complain and judge (just be careful not to judge your judging). Just raising your awareness of this behavior can support you on your journey to let go of what no longer serves you.

Tips to Help You on Your Complain Fast

I can image that this fast may become quite challenging at times. I think it’s very important to have some skills to support you on your journey.

• Keep a gratitude journal during your fast to shift your thinking to higher vibrating thoughts
• Focus on your breathe often through the day
• Stay completely focused on your activity and anytime your thoughts drift away, gently bring them back to your focus
• Daily affirmations, even when you don’t believe them (I am in gratitude for my life and my circumstances!)
• Ask yourself, “What am I to learn from this person or situation?”
• Listen to inspirational CDs in your car or on walks

Recent Reads

I recently started reading Eckhart Tolle’s new book called, “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose.”

I have enjoyed this book tremendously. Tolle’s book is very inspirational and challenges the reader to look at his/her life in an expansive way, challenging old beliefs and ideas.

Oprah is currently promoting his book on her website. She is offering a free 10-week online course with herself and Tolle. The first assignment is to read the entire book. The class starts March 3, 2008 at 9 p.m. I encourage you to sign up for this amazing online course. To sign up, go to www.oprah.com.

Upcoming Events

Women’s Psychotherapy Group
Monday at 7:30 p.m. – 9 p.m. in Beverly Hills, CA

Learn how to develop lasting loving relationships with others. Develop skills to express emotions in a healthy way. Build confidence and self-esteem. Currently, I have two openings in my women’s group. Please contact me if interested in joining this wonderful group of women.

A group member has an opportunity to observe and learn more about themselves. Clients are able to gain understanding and shift their behavior through the group experience. The information they receive gives them an opportunity to experience their own process, which can leave a more lasting impression. Having this experience can assist the client with obtaining their goals and enhance their relationships with others.

Though individual therapy is very powerful, group and individual therapy (together) can enhance the process of healing. Certain thoughts, interactions and behaviors become more visible in a group setting that would not normally present itself in an individual setting.

Group therapy can assist clients with increasing communication skills in the workplace and in their romantic relationships, where, many of our vulnerabilities surface.

There are all types of groups. Such as, support groups where there may or may not be a group facilitator (e.g., 12 step meetings). There are groups that have a subject or theme, like a grief support group. There are groups that are either heterogeneous (e.g., Mixed groups; both men and women) or homogenous (e.g.,Women’s or Men’s groups). A psychotherapy group is typically a closed group (which means, it’s a confidential group where clients can only join when a member has left or if there is an available space.

A group therapist facilitates group members through an experience, which allows clients to create a deep change. Most people change through having an experience, versus just gaining insight.

Elana currently running a Women’s Psychotherapy Group, Monday evenings from 7:30 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. and a Mixed Psychotherapy starting June 2008.

Please feel free to contact Elana Clark-Faler, LCSW, CSAT if you have any questions about joining a group, at 310-403 9147 or email: elana@wholenessandhealth.com

Learn More About Group Psychotherapy:

http://www.agpa.org/

During the first two Saturday afternoons in June, I offered a free seminar on the subject of Mindfulness, “The Art of Training One’s Mind.” We had a great time practicing this skill. I thought it would be great to share what we practiced to those that we unable to attend. Please feel free to share this newsletter with friends and family.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is a practice of consciousness. This practice includes awareness, acknowledgment and acceptance.

Where does it come from?

Mindfulness practice comes from the practice of Buddhism and other ancient wisdom practices.

What Frame of Reference does Mindfulness come from?

Dichotomous thinking is black and white thinking that comes from duality (Good/Bad, Right/Wrong and etc). Dialectical is grey thinking; relating to the world of logic and opinions. In other words, using a third observer who is non-bias and nonjudgmental. Mindfulness is a dialectical practice, so, nothing can be bad or good. There are degrees of effectiveness to obtain what you want in your life. Some people chose more effective choices than others and we can always turn it around.

The Practice of Mindfulness

What is it?

• The practice of Observing—just notice without judgment
• The practice of Describing—just putting a simple label on your experience without judgment
• The practice of living life in the FLOW

How Do I Practice?

• Use a nonjudgmental stance (flag words of judgment are: bad, good, right, wrong, should and couldn’t)
• Focus your attention on one thing at a time, even if you are multitasking; allow your breath to bring you back to the moment
• Do what works; be effective; if something isn’t working—stop, change gears and do something different
  

Quote of the Month

Your life has everything to do with
Your consciousness,
What you think,
You are.
Be transformed
By the renewal of your mind.
Practice turning over old beliefs and thoughts.
Know that you are worthy,
Just being alive.

-Elana Clark-Faler

Practice of the Month

I think it is very important to have a daily practice. Of course, it is difficult to get a practice started, because we are busy and have other things on our mind. However, if you can take baby steps and start a discipline of mindfulness, you can slowly build your discipline. I offer the following suggestions to get started:

• Deep slow breath while driving in the car or washing dishes. Notice if you have thoughts or if your mind wonders; slowly and gently bring your attention back to your breath.
• While walking, take 4 long breaths (in and out) and give a half-smile. Did your mood change slightly?
• Do something different this month; if there is a yoga, knitting, or cooking class that you have been meaning to sign up for, do it! No more excuses!!!!
• Try practicing one of the mindfulness skills (listed above) 1x daily. See if it increases your awareness.

Upcoming Events

Women’s & Intimacy Group
Monday at 7:30 p.m. – 9 p.m. in Beverly Hills, CA
Elana co-faciliates this group with Michelle Hirschman, MSW. If interested please contact Elana for an entrance interview. There is limited space available.

Coming soon

Are You Making a Splash, but Drowning in Debt?
Learn to be your own Financial Lifeguard & Rescue your Finances! Margo Linden-Katz, CPA & Elana Clark-Faler, LCSW are offering a workshop in September 2007 on methods to get out of debt and create financial freedom. Stay tuned for more information.